Lost

I feel as if I’ve lost all sense of direction.  I’m not sure how to move forward from here, or which way forward is.  It’s like watching the needle on a compass spin round and round, but never revealing which way is north.  I’ve been feeling lost for a while now.  I don’t move forwards, nor do I move backwards; rather, I feel as if I stay in the same spot, but slowly dig myself deeper and deeper where I’m standing.  Forward doesn’t matter to me anymore- OUT is the only thing that matters.

I feel like I’m stuck mid-transition in every part of my life.  After months of frustration, I’ve decided to take a break from running to try new things, but I still cannot decide if I ever want to return to running.  It feels like my miles ran out a long time ago, but I can’t let go of the belief that I will overcome this and fall in love with the sport all over again.  After almost a year without animal products, I gave up being vegan.  After seven years of no animal flesh whatsoever, I started buying frozen salmon fillets.  However, I still call myself a vegetarian and feel tentative to bringing meats back into my diet.  And, as I’m now halfway through my junior year in nursing school, I’m not even sure if I want to be a nurse anymore.

Of course, where this sensation of being lost is hitting me the hardest is in my eating.  I bounce from anorexic, to binge eater, to bulimic, to intuitive and back to anorexic, and the cycle rolls on and on.  My eating habits seem to change faster than the days of the week.  I don’t recover, nor do I relapse.  I feel as if I’m spinning around and around on the same little patch of ground, unable to latch onto a specific direction and break free.  Why can’t I recover?  Why can’t I give into a relapse?

Maybe I’ve just lost all willpower to keep moving forward, or maybe I’ve just lost sight of which direction forward is.  I can’t lock my priorities in place like I used to; nothing feels that important to me anymore.  I sit passively and let my life manipulate me.  I feel powerless to change my life.  I feel powerless to change myself.  Every now and again, I’ll be overcome with a wave of anxiety, and I’ll become frantic as I watch the “old me” slip farther and father away.  Now, she’s lost too.

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